What I learned tonight is that chances are, if your parents aren’t fucking squares, your mother drank while you were pregnant. Quote: “If you get a little shit-faced, it isn’t like your baby is just going to die right there, or even the next morning. Anyone who acts like that is full of shit.” All of that, of course, was with the understanding that shit-facing wasn’t a regular weeknight event during the pregnancy. Thanks, Mom, for this life lesson.
When the party sucks, start a fight. Just make sure you’re impressive at it. I don’t mean you have to be good, make an impression. For instance, right before the fight, look your opponent dead in the eyes and Babe Ruth which part of their body you’re going to take with you.
Ex: “Hey, listen, I don’t wanna do this, but *points to left eyelid* I’m taking that away from you if you start some shit.” Of course, you’re the one starting ‘some shit’, but that’s really neither here nor there.
Just remember, fighting is a major party foul, so it is your responsibility to mitigate the levels of your dickheaditude by making it a worthwhile viewing experience.
Just because you associate with someone doesn’t mean you are them. That whole, “You are who you hang with” line is bullshit. You are who you are. Those people doing lines of cocaine off of dead hookers and getting back-alley abortions (especially in the same night) are the best people to hang out with because you aren’t going to make their mistakes and you reap the story-retelling benefits.
